[Tony needs an actual therapist, but he left his back home and has given up on that for the time being. Which means he's making a lot of reckless, stupid choices.]
No. I- I was the one he was fighting when it happened. We were in the middle of a conflict that- It's hard to explain. A lot of people got involved and we didn't agree on how to deal with that.
'Should have' and 'supposed to,' meaning you did not have the appropriate information at your disposal to make some sort of decision? Or do something? Was this information readily available to you? Was it communicated to you in a timely manner? Were there barriers of any kind to it reaching you appropriately?
Reflecting on one's actions can be useful in determining how to better face challenges in the future, sir. But look kindly upon the man you were who did not have the information or the particular mental space that you do now. It's pointless to agonize over things you cannot change.
[Maybe talking it out would have been the best decision. He's starting to see that now, but it doesn't hurt to get Jonathan to check his blood just in case. If it's something external, he wants to know.]
I'm the one who was responsible. They counted on me to make the right choice.
It was the right thing to do. I needed to do it. We needed a government sanctioned group to make sure people could trust people with powers again. And- it just went wrong. That wasn't what I wanted for him. But I was fighting heroes to save heroes. It was my choice.
Something intended to be good did not work out as planned? The world does not follow our neat lines, Mr. Stark. Holding yourself responsible for that fact is holding yourself upon the precipice of madness. You cannot control everything. That does not mean you can control nothing. But again, I would ask you to look upon your past self with kinder eyes and a clearer mind.
This person you're seeing and hearing, he's forgiven you for whatever happened?
We fought because I was trying to arrest him. And the others. Having loose superpowers running around was causing a public outcry against everyone that might have been dangerous, and I did control it. I'm the one responsible for keeping world peace. That's my job. He forgave me because that's just the kind of man he is, whether I'm imagining it or not. He trusted me.
You killed him in battle, then, not cold blood. And in service of what sounds, objectively, to be a reasonable cause. Certainly reasonable at the time and in the moment. If he is merely a figment of your own imagination, could it be possible this is your own subconscious' way of asking you to forgive yourself and move on with your life?
[It's all very... pseudo-science in Jonathan's mind, but he'd trying.]
[Calling this mental stress is far from what Tony wants to consider true, but Jonathan does have a point. Especially when he's a doctor and not a psychiatrist. If even he thinks Tony is just dwelling on the past, then could it just be in his head?]
I'm in the lift for your building. It won't be another minute before I'm there, Mr. Stark. Why don't you unlock the doors, pour yourself another glass of water, and find somewhere comfortable to sit? I can let myself in.
[The calm, rational way he lays everything out appeals to Tony's need for structure. Especially right now, when he's questioning everything. He needs that order to keep himself on track.]
Okay. Yeah.
[It's fine. He's going to get some tests done and focus on solving the problem. He doesn't need to panic.
He does as Jonathan says and gets water, although he doesn't have much motivation to drink it. Then he waits for the man's arrival.]
[Tony looks uncomfortable in his own room. He's sitting slumped forward on the couch with a glass of water set on the table in front of him, untouched. Like he's in a hospital waiting room. He looks up when Jonathan somehow enters the room, but he doesn't stand or prepare to fight. He accepts the direction, sitting up straight and trying to breathe with steady, deep breaths. The tech in his body tells him it's running just fine, but he doesn't want to believe that.]
[A cursory review tells him there's absolutely nothing with Tony. It's about what Jonathan expected. Still, for the other man's sake, he'll take a few more physical readings.]
I don't see anything wrong with your blood, but I'd still like to give you a full physical, Mr. Stark, if that would be all right?
[The crestfallen look Tony gives Jonathan when he tells him the negative result says he knew the truth and just didn't want to hear it. He needs something external, something he can fix instead of grappling with his own mind.]
Yeah. I guess if you think it'll help...
[If only by pretending they are doing something for a while. He might be able to gather his thoughts by then.]
[Jonathan goes through the motions of it, asking Tony to move here and there, checking his pulse, putting a stethoscope to the man's chest, checking his lymph nodes. It's all very standard and very dry. Jonathan tries to keep his voice as steady as possible and whenever it looks like Tony is drifting, he'll ask inconsequential questions about how something feels or how he's eating. It takes 20 minutes to complete, and Jonathan can't really stretch it out much past that.]
Well, Mr. Stark, I'm afraid you're as healthy as a horse from what I can tell here.
[He sits down nearby.]
Which leaves a supernatural experience or stress. I cannot counsel you on ghosts, but for stress, you need to find an outlet or consult a psychiatrist who might be able to better assess and assist you. What do you usually do when you're caught up in your own head?
[The funny thing is that Tony is almost unusually healthy. The programming keeps him fit, telling his body to regenerate and work at optimal human levels. He can even heal from injuries, leaving him strangely unmarred for a person who should be fighting regularly and at least working with heavy tools. He takes to the physical smoothly enough, letting Jonathan guide him through small motions that mean he has something to concentrate on. His mind wants to go other places. He might not have eaten or slept for a while. He doesn't seem to recall that.]
You're saying I'm imagining things.
[He expected that much. He laces his fingers together as he sits in place, frowning darkly. What does he do when he needs to get out? The look in his eyes changes just slightly. It's hard to tell when he's got a flat expression anyway, but there's a bit more concentration and a brief, subtle light behind the irises. Then the armor in the corner comes to life and walks over to them.]
Yes. [If he wants to be blunt about it.] The mind is a delicate organ. An excess of stress or other environmental factors could be at play to produce what it is you're experiencing. That is beyond the purview of my expertise. But really it does sound like your own mind is urging you to find closure from this episode in your life. There comes a point when reflection on an event becomes unhealthy. It sounds as though you have reached that point. Take was useful information you can from it and move on, Mr. Stark. The past cannot be recalled, so focus upon your future.
[He would go on, except there is now a suit of empty armor walking toward them. Jonathan stills, gaze turning to the thing.]
I let my friend get murdered because we didn't agree on how to save the most lives.
[Tony's answer comes out flat, through the armor rather than through his own mouth. It turns to speak to Jonathan instead, acting as though it really contains a man inside while Tony sits motionless in his seat.]
He's a good man. Of course he wouldn't blame me for that. He doesn't blame anyone as much as he should, but he's wrong. The future needs him to exist.
[He's technically out of his head? And while Tony sits still the armor settles some of his anxious energy by opening one of the panels on his left arm. It starts tinkering with tools built into the right, making adjustments while it talks.]
Your story keeps shifting, Mr. Stark. Did you kill him or did you let him die? These are not necessarily interchangable actions.
And that good man is not in this room. He is in your subconscious. That your mind would produce that now begs the question: Why now? What has happened to engender this sudden self-reflection and drive to forgiveness?
Also, as a matter of manners, should I be speaking to your body or to this... armor you're speaking from?
[The lack of emotion has a soothing effect. Jonathan's cold reason and working on wiring help him detach himself from the heat of the moment. Normally, Tony might try to find a good chess partner, but he's been so off his footing lately he just hasn't thought to step back and do that. And he never does well when Steve becomes a topic.]
It doesn't matter. I just- You wanted to know how I get out of my head. This is out.
[It's not completely out, but it's keeping him busy. The tinkering doesn't stop while Tony talks, because the armor doesn't have to see its own circuits to know what is or isn't there.]
He's really here. In the city. He called and asked me what I remembered. When I told him, he said he just got better and not to blame myself.
[This time Tony turns his own head to look at Jonathan, speaking simultaneously through the armor and his own voice.]
When we last fought, I got him arrested. He was going to be put on trial. He was shot before he even got there. We've been arguing here too. Since he got here.
[Jonathan meant metaphorically out of his head. Honestly, this is fascinating, and he'll return to it in due course.]
I see. So, you have recently reunited with him in this world and now your subconscious would appear to be urging you to forgive yourself after the man, himself, told you to do as much. That would seem to indicate you desire a fresh state with this man. If he has indicated he hold no ill-will and your subconscious has urged you to accept his overtures, why are ignoring both of those sources? Guilt? Set it aside, Mr. Stark. It will only poison your relationship with this future version of the man you know. That would serve neither you nor the memory I expect you are attempting to honor in holding onto this.
[He's working, so that still counts. He's just also being an eccentric weirdo about it.]
I can't just forget it. You don't understand what he meant to everyone.
[The armor stops talking, but it does keep working on its arm even while Tony gets up and starts moving around the room restlessly.]
I don't want to ruin anything with him. I know he wants me to- to act like everything is normal, but when he died, it hurt all of us. You don't realize how much one life costs until it's gone and the world starts falling apart. One person. But we needed him.
I did not ask you to forget it, Mr. Stark. I asked you to stop dwelling on it. It serves no purpose apart from some self-flagellation you believe you deserve. You had need of him and now he is here and you have knowledge that he will return in the future. That should give you hope rather than deeper pause.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 03:58 am (UTC)From:[Tony would probably have a better time with an actual therapist.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 04:09 am (UTC)From:No. I- I was the one he was fighting when it happened. We were in the middle of a conflict that- It's hard to explain. A lot of people got involved and we didn't agree on how to deal with that.
I should have known. I was supposed to know.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 04:30 am (UTC)From:Reflecting on one's actions can be useful in determining how to better face challenges in the future, sir. But look kindly upon the man you were who did not have the information or the particular mental space that you do now. It's pointless to agonize over things you cannot change.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 04:42 am (UTC)From:[Maybe talking it out would have been the best decision. He's starting to see that now, but it doesn't hurt to get Jonathan to check his blood just in case. If it's something external, he wants to know.]
I'm the one who was responsible. They counted on me to make the right choice.
[That might have been putting a lot on him.]
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Date: 2019-04-24 04:45 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 04:50 am (UTC)From:[Yup. He's nauseous thinking of it now.]
It was the right thing to do. I needed to do it. We needed a government sanctioned group to make sure people could trust people with powers again. And- it just went wrong. That wasn't what I wanted for him. But I was fighting heroes to save heroes. It was my choice.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-24 04:59 am (UTC)From:This person you're seeing and hearing, he's forgiven you for whatever happened?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-26 02:49 am (UTC)From:[That comes out with sudden, bitter venom.]
We fought because I was trying to arrest him. And the others. Having loose superpowers running around was causing a public outcry against everyone that might have been dangerous, and I did control it. I'm the one responsible for keeping world peace. That's my job. He forgave me because that's just the kind of man he is, whether I'm imagining it or not. He trusted me.
[Whew. He got a lot off of his chest there.]
I didn't think I'd see him again.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-26 03:46 pm (UTC)From:[It's all very... pseudo-science in Jonathan's mind, but he'd trying.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-27 10:32 pm (UTC)From:I... I don't know. Maybe.
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Date: 2019-04-28 01:25 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 01:39 am (UTC)From:Okay. Yeah.
[It's fine. He's going to get some tests done and focus on solving the problem. He doesn't need to panic.
He does as Jonathan says and gets water, although he doesn't have much motivation to drink it. Then he waits for the man's arrival.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 01:53 am (UTC)From:Mr. Stark. No need to get up. [He approaches, his vision shifting to shades to view Tony's blood.] Please take a few deep breaths for me.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 02:37 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 02:50 am (UTC)From:I don't see anything wrong with your blood, but I'd still like to give you a full physical, Mr. Stark, if that would be all right?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 03:00 am (UTC)From:Yeah. I guess if you think it'll help...
[If only by pretending they are doing something for a while. He might be able to gather his thoughts by then.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 03:37 am (UTC)From:Well, Mr. Stark, I'm afraid you're as healthy as a horse from what I can tell here.
[He sits down nearby.]
Which leaves a supernatural experience or stress. I cannot counsel you on ghosts, but for stress, you need to find an outlet or consult a psychiatrist who might be able to better assess and assist you. What do you usually do when you're caught up in your own head?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 03:55 am (UTC)From:You're saying I'm imagining things.
[He expected that much. He laces his fingers together as he sits in place, frowning darkly. What does he do when he needs to get out? The look in his eyes changes just slightly. It's hard to tell when he's got a flat expression anyway, but there's a bit more concentration and a brief, subtle light behind the irises. Then the armor in the corner comes to life and walks over to them.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 04:51 am (UTC)From:[He would go on, except there is now a suit of empty armor walking toward them. Jonathan stills, gaze turning to the thing.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 05:57 am (UTC)From:[Tony's answer comes out flat, through the armor rather than through his own mouth. It turns to speak to Jonathan instead, acting as though it really contains a man inside while Tony sits motionless in his seat.]
He's a good man. Of course he wouldn't blame me for that. He doesn't blame anyone as much as he should, but he's wrong. The future needs him to exist.
[He's technically out of his head? And while Tony sits still the armor settles some of his anxious energy by opening one of the panels on his left arm. It starts tinkering with tools built into the right, making adjustments while it talks.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 06:02 am (UTC)From:Your story keeps shifting, Mr. Stark. Did you kill him or did you let him die? These are not necessarily interchangable actions.
And that good man is not in this room. He is in your subconscious. That your mind would produce that now begs the question: Why now? What has happened to engender this sudden self-reflection and drive to forgiveness?
Also, as a matter of manners, should I be speaking to your body or to this... armor you're speaking from?
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 06:15 am (UTC)From:It doesn't matter. I just- You wanted to know how I get out of my head. This is out.
[It's not completely out, but it's keeping him busy. The tinkering doesn't stop while Tony talks, because the armor doesn't have to see its own circuits to know what is or isn't there.]
He's really here. In the city. He called and asked me what I remembered. When I told him, he said he just got better and not to blame myself.
[This time Tony turns his own head to look at Jonathan, speaking simultaneously through the armor and his own voice.]
When we last fought, I got him arrested. He was going to be put on trial. He was shot before he even got there. We've been arguing here too. Since he got here.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 06:22 am (UTC)From:I see. So, you have recently reunited with him in this world and now your subconscious would appear to be urging you to forgive yourself after the man, himself, told you to do as much. That would seem to indicate you desire a fresh state with this man. If he has indicated he hold no ill-will and your subconscious has urged you to accept his overtures, why are ignoring both of those sources? Guilt? Set it aside, Mr. Stark. It will only poison your relationship with this future version of the man you know. That would serve neither you nor the memory I expect you are attempting to honor in holding onto this.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 07:02 am (UTC)From:I can't just forget it. You don't understand what he meant to everyone.
[The armor stops talking, but it does keep working on its arm even while Tony gets up and starts moving around the room restlessly.]
I don't want to ruin anything with him. I know he wants me to- to act like everything is normal, but when he died, it hurt all of us. You don't realize how much one life costs until it's gone and the world starts falling apart. One person. But we needed him.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-28 07:04 pm (UTC)From:(no subject)
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